Friday, August 31, 2012

Lowlights

From Mitt Romney's speech at the RNC this evening:


The President hasn’t disappointed you because he wanted to. The President has disappointed America because he hasn’t led America in the right direction. He took office without the basic qualification that most Americans have and one that was essential to his task. He had almost no experience working in a business. Jobs to him are about government.

We weren’t always successful at Bain. But no one ever is in the real world of business.

That’s what this President doesn’t seem to understand. Business and growing jobs is about taking risk, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding, but always striving.

Ahem. Okay, so the President didn't want things to be bad. Got it. He just "hasn't led America in the right direction," but I can infer from the text there that it's not from lack of trying. I guess he just tried, took some risks and (in Mr. Romney's opinion) didn't succeed. Welp, that's actually pretty measured and reasonable and I guess if you agree, then that's a pretty logical reason to not vote for him, but wait, what's that second line? You mean that Mitt Romney, even with his "essential" qualification of having "experience working in a business" (which is, apparently, a real president-making qualification, but I'll just drop that really quick because it would take way too long to get into how dumb that is) still wasn't always successful? Huh, that seems pretty damning. Oh, phew, it's okay to not succeed in the "real world" of "business" because no one can always be successful. But I guess that rule doesn't apply to the "real world" of actually being in charge of an entire country that exists in the actual real world? I guess someone should have sent Obama that memo, right!? He just "doesn't seem to understand" that "business" is about "taking risk, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding, but always striving" and that's why we've gotta get him out of office. I mean, granted, Mitt Romney just said that Obama didn't succeed at what he strived to do for the country, but he tried and it just didn't work out BUT WAIT THEN HE SAYS THAT SOMETIMES FAILING IS ACTUALLY TOTALLY OKAY IN BUSINESS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM SO WHY WOULD YOU PUT THOSE LINES THAT COMPLETELY CONTRADICT EACH OTHER LITERALLY BACK-TO-BACK??? I didn't take anything out of that block-quote there at all; that's completely in context, and yet it literally says that Obama was a disappointment to America because he tried and (in Romney's opinion) failed at the "business" of running America, because he has no "real" business experience, but that Mitt Romney would be a great President because he understands that sometimes you fail, based on his experiences sometimes failing at business because it's unrealistic to always demand success because occasional failure is inevitable. Like a disclaimer? Like, "Hi I'm Mitt Romney and spoiler alert, I am going to just ruin some shit if you elect me, but when I drop the ball, it's okay because I am doing it in a businessy way and have prior experience failing at things?"  Who wrote this speech, anyway?

Also, not to beat a dead horse but then a few lines down we have this gem:

To the majority of Americans who now believe that the future will not be better than the past, I can guarantee you this: if Barack Obama is re-elected, you will be right.

So just, one more time here: Business is unpredictable and even those who strive and try hard will inevitably fail occasionally because failure or success cannot be guaranteed in the hard-ass world of business, UNLESS we're talking about Obama, in which case Mitt Romney will totally ignore that rule that he just told you, and straight-up guarantee that Obama will fail at everything. That seems reasonable.

Ugh, I was going to do more of this because reading the speech was just so full of contradictory or otherwise ridiculous language, but I kind of wore myself out there. But I will end with this:

President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. MY promise...is to help you and your family. 

Now come on, I know Romney and Ryan are trying to really bolster their extremely anti-environmental street-cred, but man, you'd think that, especially going on after Clint Eastwood (who actually, despite kind of tacitly endorsing Romney, actually is pretty vocal about giving a shit about the environment (oh, and he supports marriage equality and is pro-choice, and believes in gender equality), Romney would have a little more tact about the environment. First of all, that line isn't even that good. Is that supposed to be the big zinger with a dramatic ellipsis pause? I didn't actually hear the delivery, but man, yawn. But secondly, what the hell am I and my family going to do after you've helped us and killed the planet in the process? I guess "the market" will just correct that too, right? As long as "job creators" get their tax cuts, it doesn't matter if the ultra-polluted and over-fished sea's level rises and the land that's left is arid and pocked-marked by the last attempts to extract our non-renewable fuels from it, right? Way to think long-term there. Maybe "heal[ing] the planet" actually is good for people too? So they can breath and have food and water and stuff? Maybe?